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The Only Candidates That Matter!

The Only Candidates That Matter!

With the election season looming around the corner, or more accurately, with pre-election coverage starting so soon, and news being dominated by The Donald, we figured we should weigh in to tell you who to vote for.  If you, like many of our listeners, base all your decisions around our show, then you should be happy to know that we have the candidates for you in the upcoming election.

Republicans have been watching the field shift back and forth for some time now.  The decision of who hates immigrants more, who is still weirded out by gay sex, and who understands socialism the least has been a tough one.  At times, it seems Donald Trump is sufficiently crazy to be the candidate to alienate most voters, but one shouldn’t count out Jeb Bush, with his attempt to turn America into a country run by dynasties, or Ted Cruz with his own band of bat-shit crazy and those doe eyes that scream, I don’t know which block fits in which hole.  The race for the nomination is long, after-all, and it’s still any man’s race.

On the other side of the field, Democrats seem to only have a choice between Hillary Clinton, who wants you to believe she has no idea what the phrase “wiping the server” means, and Bernie Sanders, who arguably has a hard road ahead of him due to his decision not to let millionaires buy his campaign (not a traditionally successful political move).  The field may be expanding slightly if Joe Biden throws his hat in the ring, but with a track record as Vice-President of having shot exactly zero people in the face, why the hell should we believe he’s the president to be in charge of our Guantanamo Bay rehabilitation program.

No, we have a better way.  We here at The 13th Hour, have seen the failures of the two party system, and have decided that you are going to vote for a third party candidate in this race.  So, check your brain at the door, and let us do the thinking for you.  So, without further adieu, here are the two candidates you have to choose from (spare us the observations that we’re only giving you a choice of two candidates, after all, we were probably drunk when we wrote this).

photo_114_0First Up In The Line-Up: Waka Flocka Flame

For everyone who has been living under a rock, this is the candidate to beat.  Since making his announcement that he would be running, Waka has managed to do the one thing all the other candidates haven’t, he’s been real.  Not only does he understand the proverbial skreets better than the other out of touch candidates, but unlike Donald’s fake tan, Waka genuinely sports dark skin.  We’ve had a half black president, it’s time to go all in.  Waka isn’t all broken promises and half-truths either, only promising shit we really want/need in this country.  If you still aren’t convinced, keep reading for your only other option.  If you are convinced, click here to sign up for campaign updates so you don’t miss out.  We know he’s gonna be a bit outside the comfort zone for most of you republicans, especially those that still prefer their candidates older, and more wrinkled, so we have an option for you. #WakaForPresident

Next Up To Bat: Deez Nuts

Not the candidate America wants, but the candidate that America deserves (are Dark Knight jokes out yet?).  Deez Nuts promises everything we’ve grown accustomed to just in the candidate’s name alone, namely being tight with dicks, and being ready to fuck us.  Deez Nuts is a fresh candidate, running independent, but still gaining traction in North Carolina, where the message really appeals to them.  Deez Nuts poses a serious threat to a Waka presidency, being pale due to a lack of sun exposure, and possessing the requisite number of wrinkles for a president.  We can only hope that Deez’ hair doesn’t go grey due to the stress of the oval office.  Rumor has it, Donald Trump is actually only running for the Republican ticket to split the vote by running independent, and thus throwing the election for his old pal Deez Nuts.  Don’t believe us, then why does he act like such a dick… coincidence, we think not.

So remember, as election coverage continues, and news agencies turn everything candidates say into a story, whether it’s noteworthy or not… these are the only candidates that matter.  If you are in favor of legalization, Waka is the man for you.  If, on the other hand, you prefer someone a little more “seasoned”, you can’t find a candidate we all know and love more than Deez Nuts.  In either case, we’re better off than going with any of the other candidates.

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